Work allows staff members to wear holiday themed aprons in December, as long as they’re made out of the seasonal fabrics which are sold in-store.
In previous years I’d been too fucked up on anti-convulsants to feel anything other than apathetic about the idea, but motivation has come back online in their wake, so this year I took the offer to write-off a slice of gingerbread homespun and go absolutely ham with the tartan scraps in my stash.
And by “me” I, of course, mean Claude.
A few people laugh that it sounds like there’s a cat in the room when I arrive, due to a habit of tying bells* to my keys and phone. If you’re wondering about that; I was a very superstitious child and somebody once told me the sound of bells would frighten evil spirits away.
Results are inconclusive, but I like the sound so here we are.
The most hostile mask I made, at the beginning of the pandemic in 2020, in direct response to being told not to wear masks at work because, and I quote: “It scares the customers.” Was this pink and blue Hello Kitty monstrosity featuring not just one, but three bells, so even if you could avoid looking directly at it you’d still be forced to endure hearing it:
As such, it made sense to continue in line with this specific brand of benign hostility by creating a gingerbread hellscape of lights and bells.
Thing I am making: a hostile work environment.
It is fully lined, features two outer pockets, one inner pocket, and a side strap for hanging tools (scissors, tape measure, etc.).
The inner pocket has a zipper closure and specifically exists to hold a battery pack for LED lights.
The lights are hooked on, so can easily be swapped out for different sets.
Bells and ornaments are hooked on through a combination of D-rings, eyelets, and key-rings, so can be swapped out depending on how petty I’m feeling day-by-day.
Only one person has told me they hate it so far, which is a little bit disappointing, but I suppose the December holidays are kind of when a lot of people feel perfectly okay with indulging their more heinous design senses and not feeling bad about it, so I’ll let it slide.
If these are banned in the future I want to be the reason why.
The downstairs neighbours probably got a bit of a nasty surprise, now that my motivation and insomnia have both made a miraculous recovery; while I try not to run any machinery after 10pm, for an apron? This project sure did involve 100% more hammer than any reasonable person could be forgiven for expecting.
The shoulder straps are a purple velvet ribbon which clips on via two large metal eyelets at the top corners (hence the hammer), cross at the back, thread through two more eyelets at the waist, and tie at the centre back.
This configuration distributes the weight fairly evenly around my shoulders and waist, preventing it from putting any direct pressure on my neck (vertebrae C5-7 being the problem children, this is something which needs to be taken into account).
Didn’t really think about the positioning of the large metal clips in the moment; it’s not a real problem, as such, but on a sensory level? I just really hate things touching my collar bones, so it was definitely a choice- if not a very good one.
Would it be easy to change?
…But I’m not going to.
*Claude and Tommi-Tortellini don’t even wear collars and I’m like 67% sure putting bells on cats can probably damage their hearing.