Some time ago it was mentioned that my co-pilot, MaEmon, had left a copy of the infamous “Saucy Fanfic” in my charge and that I had intentions of sharing the work here (for posterity sake, if nothing else).
It seems that time has now come.
Please, if you should so choose to read it, take this work with a grain of salt.
The Saucy Fanfiction was something MaEmon and I conceived during highschool. It is unfinished
in fact it’s barely even started (probably a good thing) and likely never will be.
Being the work of over-caffeinated sleep-deprived teenage pieces of weeaboo trash, you can probably guess that this is at best going to be juvenile and poorly written, and at worst downright offensive.
Possible triggers include but may not be limited to:
Non-consent, dubious consent, gore, death, violence, possible implications of ephebophilia, and weird Freudian complexes. Not necessarily in that order.
This work is only to be viewed by persons 18 years of age or older.
Viewer discretion is strongly advised.
The idea for the Saucy Fanfic was primarily to make fun of every fandom we enjoyed at that point in our lives, and also to take a jab at fanfiction in general. The sort of fanfiction with poor characterisation, gaping plot-holes, and the barest veil of threadbare story so thinly draped over blatant (and terrifying) pornography that you’re left wondering why they even bothered trying to cover those stains at all.
Think along the lines of Tara Gilesbie’s infamous “My Immortal” Harry Potter fic, maybe a dash of Ulrich Haarburste’s bizarrely sensual if not erotic tales of wrapping Roy Orbison entirely in cling film, or even Snowqueens Icedragon’s terrifyingly inaccurate Twilight-based portrayal of BDSM “Master of the Universe” (don’t be confused by the name, it has nothing to do with He-Man) which you can actually pick up from your local book store, sans Twilight references, under the name “50 Shades of Grey” (really goes to show that even the most unresearched of badly written smut can be marketable if you put the right spin on it).
Not to forget a quick shout-out to one of our personal favourite Evangelion crack-fics: the Pen Pen Chronicles by Adam Friedman.
While the Saucy Fanfic never made it to full fruition, there is a beginning and also a hand-written notebook riddled with terrible scenes and ideas. As of yet I have not had the chance to transcribe the notebook. Who knows what the future may hold?
For now… please stop reading and direct your browsers elsewhere…
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The Saucy Fanfic part 01:
Shinji lay down next to Kaworu, reluctantly pressing his shivering naked body against the other boy for warmth. He flinches as Kaworu wraps his long slender arms around him.
“It’s alright,” He coos, “Who would have imagined that we’d end up like this?”
Shinji cringes at the words, he knows all too well that this has been set up by his uncaring father. He’s so confused, he doesn’t know if he wants this, maybe he did? But any thoughts of passion have since been smothered by the obvious fabrication of the situation.
Kaworu gently turns Shinji around, burying his face in the pillow as he begins to mount the other boy. Shinji feels the heavy pressure that is Kaworu on his back, choking as his companion’s hard penis nuzzles against him, searching for his anus. The moment of penetration startles him and he cries out in bitter satisfaction, for the moment he is distracted by the relief of sexual tension and forgets about his father.
Kaworu however, is unable to get his mind off the man. Secretly he has craved for the person closest to Lilith, to connect lips and stroke those broad muscular shoulders… In that situation he wouldn’t have to be the strong one. How he is sick of constantly reassuring the pitiful soul of Shinji Ikari… But then, one Ikari is as good as any other. At least Kaworu can see the image of Gendo in the being thrust beneath him.
He’s done it.
Shinji whispers to himself “I can’t take it any more, I don’t want to live!” in time with the rhythm of Kaworu’s relentless pounding. As if in answer to his prayers the build up of cum accumulating in Shinji’s bowels ruptures forth and tears a hole right through his abdomen. He lets out a howling cry of pain as Kaworu peaks- to his ears Shinji’s wailing death cry sounds like one of passion. Satisfied, Kaworu’s sturdy hands begin to probe beneath Shinji’s waist- time to repay the offering, no? As his hands slowly make their way to Shinji’s genitals Kaworu discovers the gaping wound below his partner’s stomach. His hand slips inside- it is warm and soft like a mother’s uterus. Kaworu is comforted, never having known the love of a mother himself he decides to indulge in the experience. Shinji lets out a small sigh as his partner flips him over, Kaworu notices the tears collected on Shinji’s cheek… Were they Gendo’s he would lick them off, but this vessel is merely a toy to be used.
The door to the store room slides open as Gendo enters. Kaworu shies away from the man’s powerful gaze, stopped so suddenly from fulfilling his intentions. He is embarrassed to be caught in the arms of another when it is Gendo that he really wants; even if Gendo was the one in charge of this plan to begin with and has been watching, unseen, the entire time.
“Good work, you may go to the showers now and leave.” Gendo glances coldly at his recently deceased son, entrails strewn across the floor in pools of blood and cum.
As he turns to leave Kaworu speaks up in his usual seductive tone of voice: “I thought you might want to finish the job since Shinji couldn’t handle even a fraction of my passion… for you.”
Gendo peers around at Kaworu from the corner of his eye, “I have no interest in you. Not even the slightest.”
Kaworu waltzes to Gendo’s side before he can get away, holding close to his waist and rubbing his young sweaty body against him. “You know it isn’t paedophilia when I’m destined to live forever… But I know that isn’t what bothers you, the way you and Ayanami interact, a little… off protocol, wouldn’t you say?”
“Myself and Rei have nothing to do with you!” Gendo harshly shoves Kaworu to the ground.
“You’re wrong,” Gendo turns to face Kaworu, “You’re wrong because I am Ayanami! Ha, ha, look deep into my eyes, Gendo! You know it’s true!”
Gendo stumbles back in horror, he’d always thought the similarities between the two youths came about from their origins being linked to the same angelic D.N.A- in fact, the only thing stopping Gendo from approaching Kaworu was his severe homophobia!
“But… But I’ve seen you both naked! When I’m with Rei and… you’re naked now! You’re a liar Nagisa, you almost had me. What a pathetic way to try and get my attention. You disgust me.”
“You’ve seen the angels up close, studied them for decades, you of all people should know we have some… special abilities.”
“And yours is to bond with another in order to initiate the Third Impact.”
“I said abilities, implying more than one…”
It can’t be, Gendo thought, his cool exterior showing nothing but indifference. Never the less he was disgusted. He did not want to continue this discussion any further, he knew what the outcome would be. Besides, that last pained expression on Shinji’s face was beginning to feel like it was directed at him.
Safely outside of the small room Gendo took a moment to consider his thoughts; “Ugh, all this time I thought I was taking advantage of a girl when I was with him!” He shudders at the thought. Still, there were rounds to be done, people to psychologically abuse, and a large number of other projects to check up on.
Somewhere, deep in a forgotten corner of the terminal dogma basements, a strange blue figure clad from head to toe in newly polished leather watched as a hedgehog strained pathetically against the heavy chains that bound him.
“Had enough yet, scum bag?” Sonic taunted.
“You will never break me, no matter how much humiliation I endure!”
“Looks like somebody wants to have another turn with Mister Thingy™!”
Shadow tried to conceal the horror on his face, there were worse punishments than Mr. Thingy™ but they were far from legal… or humane. All he had to do was show no signs of weakness to Sonic and maybe he’d be able to leave this place with some shreds of dignity still in place. At least he could still live with himself… if only just barely.
Sonic thrust Mr. Thingy™ into Shadow, pushing and pulling until sweat beaded across his brow but still, Shadow would not scream. With one last effort Sonic shoved Mr. Thingy™ deep inside Shadow, leaving it there he looked intently at Shadow’s face yet still saw nothing. He knew it must hurt but his prisoner wasn’t giving anything away so easily. Returning to his case of black market BDSM equipment he sifted through the impractically large cocks and dangerously spiked paddles until the shine of something interesting caught his eye- the Chaos Emerald he’d confiscated from Shadow at the beginning of this… experiment.
“Now isn’t that curious…” Sonic pondered out loud, “Where do you suppose I could put this?” Casually he strolled over to Shadow and presented the gem.
“No, not the Chaos Emerald!” Horror pulled at Shadow’s features, “Sonic no! Please don’t put strange things up there!” He pleaded as Sonic forced the item up where the sun don’t shine.
Stepping back to savour the full range of discomfort showing on Shadow’s features he triumphantly calls out “CHAOS CONTROL!”
A great surge of energy blasts from the emerald. For weeks Shadow hadn’t even shown Sonic the barest glimpse of the pain he’d felt, but now, as bright shafts of light erupted from every orifice he knew he had, and even several he didn’t, Shadow couldn’t help but cry out- which only activated Mr. Thingy™’s special ability:
Raging Volkswagen Attack!
Suddenly it felt as if Shadow had been transported to some place really uncomfortable while having the poop packed into him in every conceivable way; forwards, backwards, sideways, diagonally, upwards, downwards, inwards, outwards… and the Chaos Emerald was really starting to burn which only made the intrusive non-existent penises feel like they too were on fire. Shadow clenched his teeth and tried to glare at the sadist that was Sonic. If he was going to be tortured he refused to go down without a fight.
Harnessing the power of the Chaos Emerald Shadow was able to break out from his chains and deliver a massive blow to Sonic’s nuts.
Sonic collapsed t the ground, squeezing one eye open to look at Shadow, “Yeah, kick harder bitch, you know I like it rough.”
Shadow mustered as much strength as he could to punch Sonic in the head, rendering the sadist unconscious. He then wrenched Mr. Thingy™ out of his ear and pried the Chaos Emerald out of his ass, looking at the pathetic lifeless form of his tormentor sprawled out before him. So disgusting. Filled with rage Shadow reached out for the first thing he could touch… a 25 inch dildo. Clasping the makeshift weapon in both hands and wielding it like a club he proceeds to bludgeon Sonic over and over, reeling in and out of reality, he doesn’t know exactly how long he takes out his revenge.
To be continued…
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Well that certainly put new meaning to the saying Hedgehog’s Dilemma…
Please note that I have edited the transcription. Scans of the original unedited pages can be viewed here.
It should be noted that MaEmon began writing the Saucy Fanfic semi-spontaneously after getting pissed off at routine essay questions during English class (for what it matters, it appears to have been a film study of Dead Poets Society, which I believe we studied in ’04), so much of the first page is directly relevant to that. The crack itself takes place after question number 4.
It got weird. We didn’t do drugs. We didn’t get in trouble. But we definitely needed help.”– MaEmon
It was created during a complicated time in life, a time graced by rampant hormones and the knowledge that as long as your computer screen is filled with text your teachers couldn’t care less what you’re reading.
Things have changed since then. We’re adults now. Adults with no business attempting to defend or validate the things which seemed like good ideas 10 years ago.
Or acting on any nostalgic urges to finish them.
So why bother posting it here? That’s a really good question, maybe I’ll even answer it one day.
In light of recent events it has been brought to my attention that the bizarre connection to Dead Poets Society is both strangely appropriate and incredibly disrespectful, for which I apologise profusely.