Never has the description of my life as a series of loosely strung together failure and disappointment been more relevant than with this ongoing clusterfuck of server migrations. Is that even an appropriate use of the term? Server migration? In my defence, chickens are not known for their migration habits.
Email forwarding has not been functioning properly, vast apologies to those who have attempted to contact me over the past month. The issue was successfully rectified earlier this week.
Separation Anxiety is still down after seeming like a good idea to manage both blog and comic from a single login. I’m still not entirely sure why I hate myself so much and am at least 97% sure WordPress straight up wants to fight me at this point.
While I catch up on several weeks of emails it feels like as good a time as any to post another… erm… chapter of the infamous Saucy Fanfic. If nothing else, people should be less inclined to willingly contact me after reading it, which means fewer backlogged emails next time I fuckup a server mirgration.
I will die here without having screwed anything but my own fingers.”– The Saucy Fanfiction
The first chapter of this crack-shipping crossover atrocity was uploaded during 2014, though MaEmon originally penned it some 10 years earlier. Same goes for this instalment, though as a contributor I’m not in any position to be evading responsibility here.
A more reasonable person would just burn the fucking thing and be done with it.
Yet here we are.
The Saucy Fanfiction was something MaEmon and I conceived during highschool.
Being the work of over-caffeinated sleep-deprived teenage pieces of trash, rest assured this is at best going to be juvenile and poorly written, and at worst downright offensive.
Possible triggers (for this chapter) include but are not limited to:
Dubious consent, xenophilia (in the science-fiction context), and ablutophilia. Not necessarily in that order.
This work is only to be viewed by persons over 18 years of age.
Viewer discretion is strongly advised.
While I take full responsibility for transcribing and uploading this work, your decision to continue reading beyond these warnings is entirely your own.
So, without further ado:
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The Saucy Fanfic part 02:
He’d been caught.
Zim noticed the FILTH Dib had collected from crawling around in the air vents, crawling around on his hands and knees…
“NO! You’re DISGUSTING! I’m not touching you until you attain a sanitary condition. Uum… I think there’s a showering cubicle around here somewhere…”
Zim led him down a passage until they came to the sleeping quarters he’d come across before. On his first investigation he had found a small shower block in there. The room seems to be designed for four people, but the bed sheets are only distributed across one of the bunks.
Zim shoved Dib into the ensuite, “You stay here, I will go and find some drying rags for you so I won’t have to look at your
swollen member NO! HORRIBLE underbelly!”
Zim shut the door and Dib pulled the handle to make sure it was properly locked before cautiously stripping off his clothing and starting the shower.
“Jeez,” He said to himself, “Zim was right, I am filthy. I’d better wash my clothes while I’m in here, or the jacket and pants at least, the rest I can live with.”
He hunched down and was about to start scrubbing his jacket on the tiles when he noticed how scummy the floor was… and the pile of cleaning products someone had left behind with full intentions of cleaning the cubicle when, apparently, something far more important had come up.
“Well, he did let me use his shower,” Dib’s mind recounting thoughts of why Zim hated showers, “It’ll be the least I could do.” The young man put his jacket aside and began scrubbing at the floor with strawberry scented goop on a firmly bristled brush. It was getting rather foamy and he ensured the door was still securely locked as he feared he was beginning to look something like a cute soapy pin-up girl…
When a horrible thought crossed over his denial barrier and wandered into consciousness:
The door opened outwards!
Right on cue, Zim returned with the towels.
Zim looked down at the scene before him, Dib gazing up at his captor in frightened amazement, bent over on hands and knees, soapy suds on his shoulders, in his hair, on his cute little glasses… why did he still have his glasses on? Paranoia of not being able to see? Wouldn’t the steam just fog them up anyway?
Slightly damp from the water still running behind him Dib was frozen, there was no way to move without revealing more of himself, all he could do was wait, staring up at the alien, trying to read the expression twisted on his face. He didn’t know if it was the same for Irkens, but on Earth it could be likened to that of somebody who’d just won the lottery. He hoped, somewhere in the back of his thoughts, that it was the same for Irkens…
The towels Zim had brought slipped out of his grasp as Dib, without breaking eye-contact, slowly reached out for one. When one was just within reach he dropped his gaze momentarily- Zim automatically seizing the opportunity to grab his captive by the wrist, hosting him to his feet he grabbed the boy’s biceps, awkwardly restraining him like that he stopped and took a long look over the human’s anatomy.
“I take it back,” He said, drooling slightly, “Your underbelly is beautiful.” Zim released Dib’s biceps to stroke the area around his bellybutton. Dib took the opportunity to retaliate, slamming him against the nearest wall, pressing in on him closely, overcome with conflicting impulses almost cracking Zim’s skull on the tiles with the ferocity of his kiss.
Zim’s mind was knocked back into focus, the wetness from Dib was making him sting wherever the boy touched him- which, at the moment, was everywhere. Yet he didn’t care, it felt good. Really good. He wished there was somewhere softer so he could throw Dib down and ravish him until he exploded… the closest thing would be the strange single beds in the next room. Dib would have preferred some place a little more risky, but in this situation he wasn’t exactly going to go on a mission to find an empty dumpster.
Simultaneously they both decided that the towels would do and fell over, slumping to the floor.
Unbeknownst to the couple in the shower, GIR stood in the doorway, camera-phone in hand, streaming the scene to Minty on the Rainbow of Light Space Station. Minty, in turn, alerts Kensuke Aida to the situation, who wanders in with his own camera as revenge for them fucking in his quarters.
Upon entering the Rainbow of Light’s control centre the ponies regard him curiously, “Hey Kensuke,” Lickety Split pipes up, “What’s with the moustachio?”
“What moustachio?” Replies Kensuke, twiddling his moustachio, the group exchanging dodgy looks with each other.
To be continued…
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Sweet fruity fuck the better part of me wishes to forget how distressing the Invader Zim fandom could be during the show’s initial run. But the worse part acknowledges that wilful ignorance would be denying an important phase in fandom history. In the friendship history between MaEmon and myself, even.
Retrospective self-loathing is an important step down the rickety staircase into the decrepit basement of life, after all.
Chapter Two of the Saucy Fanfic was transcribed from three handwritten pages, edited for spelling and grammar (maybe also where I had trouble understanding MaEmon’s handwriting; I’m not saying we’re both a little dyslexic in different ways but, then again, I’m not saying we aren’t either), with a couple of extra paragraphs thrown in from the notebook- the pages from which I may or may not eventually scan.
Pages and pages of bizarre crossover fandom smut.
Scans of the two unedited Saucy Fanfic chapters can both be found in the Gallery on MaEmon’s page (in the 2003-’04 section, though in actuality they may have been written any time from ’02 through ’06).
Much of the first page is a rant regarding the prospect of banning mobile telephones in schools. Actually I’m still not 100% sure whether or not it was intended to be a part of the story? Being that there were no mentions of vibrate functions or their practical application to orifices it didn’t really fit with the theme so… yeah.
At least nobody died in this chapter.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go hose myself down while contemplating certain life choices that lead up to this point.